. . . Just an update: so, these aren’t all curse words. In fact, some of these words may not even be offensive (well, maybe only to the straight-edged peeps). But blame my overdose from holiday cookies for writing that misleading headline (and just pretend it says “Knock Knock’s Top 5 Dirty Words of 2011).

Buried in our company’s server, amid the vast archive of product, marketing, and business docs, is the Knock Knock “2011 Profanity List”; it’s the electronic hub where the creative folk literally count “shit” (and the number of other obscenities throughout our books and journals) for the sales team to use. The list, which creative started in 2008, holds more power than you would think.

Curious as to why it’s vital for us to count our “fucks” and “assholes”? Offensive content, as in one too many “WTFs”, could essentially make or break a buy.

We understand each customer has his or her own curse-word threshold. Therefore, our kick-ass sales team tries to make sure (to the best of their ability) that each store is satisfied with the product on his or her floors (and preventing the token angry mobs with pitchforks).

Indeed, we realize that tallying the number of “bitches” included in product isn’t the typical protocol for a business. Feel free to flag that as unique.

So for all you guys curious to know how many curse words we used in 2011, here’s the breakdown:

And for the prudes that think size doesn’t matter, here’s the proof:

1. Hell (41)
2. Orgasm (29)
3. Bitch (17)
4. Ass (15)
5. Penis (15)

Lastly, we give a hearty nod to our Sex Chit-Chat for All Occasions, for having the most vulgarity. (“Orgasm” is included more than seventeen times—for good reason.)

As we wrap up the year (and all of this dirty talk), we hope you all have a hell of an orgasmic, bitch and ass-free New Year’s (with or without penises).

For our weekly “In It for the Money” feature, we’ll be introducing you to the kick-ass Knock Knockers who make everything go, from creative to sales to logistics to . . . everything! Note—everybody answers the first five questions. After that, they have about fifteen wild-card questions from which to choose.

"Hello" from my office! And yes, I do talk with my hands. Once a businessman, always a businessman.

1. Name and title? Jim Papscoe, chief operating officer.

2. Originally from? Teaneck, New Jersey.

3. What the hell do you do all day? I am essentially responsible for the day-to-day business activities at Knock Knock, with a heavy emphasis on profitability for the company. I’m involved with all of our departments daily and usually learn something new every day, which makes the job enjoyable and challenging!

4. Favorite thing about working at Knock Knock? Our products. When I interviewed with our head honcho, back in the summer of 2006, one of the first things I told her was that I believe “product is king.” Knock Knock’s product line embodies that belief in its original and recognizable design aesthetic, as well as the unique voice that only Knock Knock can pull off. The people are awesome as well!

5. Favorite hobbies outside work? My family. I have an amazing wife of eight years and two beautiful boys, ages six and four. They are my life and my primary hobby, but I sure like to play an occasional round of golf with my buddies. Oh yeah, and my annual “John Doe” bachelor-party trip to Vegas with my high school buddies doesn’t suck either.

6. Did your professional life exist before Knock Knock? Yes, it did. I worked in the toy industry from 1994–2006, before joining Knock Knock in August 2006. I worked at Mattel and Emak Worldwide, which gave me an incredible training ground to come in and make a positive contribution in the company’s growth.

7. Favorite Knock Knock product? The Health Log. I like to consider myself a somewhat consistent runner and love to keep track of all my runs, which consists of the time of day, how I felt, my overall time, individual mile times, and my weight (usually only measured once or twice a month). At the office, I use our Paper Mousepads daily for quick notes and/or quick thoughts.

Me and my boys' golf clubs neatly in a row. One day we'll use it on the Champions Tour. One day.

8. Pet peeves? I actually don’t have too many of these, but it really drives me nuts when people chew with their mouths open, chomp on gum, and suck their teeth. I mean, come on—show some manners here, people! Maybe we should introduce a “Mouth Violation” or “Unnecessary Orifice Obscenities” Nifty Note for these peeps.

9. Favorite TV show? The Deadliest Catch. I cannot wait for the new seasons to begin—whether it’s King Crab or Opilio, it doesn’t matter to me. These fishermen literally risk it all to hit the big catch; talk about risk/reward—this show covers it. I love the anticipation of the fishermen anxiously waiting twenty-four hours for crab pots to soak and then watching them pull up either an empty or full pot. It’s something crazy, like $5,000 per crab pot. And if they come up empty, they spend another twenty-four hours or more pulling empty pots, only to try it again. It should be noted that they face twenty-plus feet seas in blizzard conditions and work twenty-four hours or more shifts frequently. Absolutely insane, but good watching from the warm couch!

10. Interesting factoid no one would know about you from first glance? I had a very fortunate upbringing, as I had the opportunity to live in foreign countries and travel the world with my family. My dad worked in finance at General Motors (GM) for thirty-five years and started his career in New York City (hence, the birth in New Jersey). When I was six years old, we moved to Europe and lived in Antwerp, London, Frankfurt, and Rome. Then, when I was fourteen years old, we moved to a suburb of Detroit, where I went to high school and onto college.

During my college years, my dad got transferred to Bangkok for four years, then to Manila for another two years. As a dependent, I traveled to Bangkok twice a year for four years on GM’s dime and took advantage of visiting numerous Asian cities as well as Australia. What an amazing experience, looking back on it!

11. If you were granted one wish, what would it be? To make the Senior PGA Tour and have my sons rotate as caddies (after college, of course). I would make some serious coin; we’d travel the world, experience new cultures, be outdoors, and enjoy life to the fullest. Ahhh . . . (Note the picture.)

12. Favorite place to sit back and relax? I love to go to the beach with the family, have a picnic, fly kites, and go swimming. My boys are just old enough where they’ll hang along the ocean’s edge by themselves (and still supervised, of course) letting my wife and I to just hang out and enjoy the day. I’m not a surfer, but I sure enjoy bodysurfing and boogie boarding, and look forward to teaching my boys as well!

A month or so ago, we promised the 10,000th FOKKer that they would could pick any topic (any at all) and our head honcho, Jen, would write an impromptu limerick on it. This was mainly because we wanted to make use of Jen’s off-the-wall talent of coming up with limericks at the drop of a dime (but also because poems are cool).

Our 10,000th FOKKer, Roxanne DeBord (who runs a lovely parenting blog, Children Teaching Mama), chose “Baby Brain” as her topic:

“I am so sorry for the delay in writing. I could have sworn I wrote you back and it just dawned on me that maybe, just maybe I never did. =/ It is the inspiration behind the topic I chose for the limerick: Baby Brain (after having a baby, you lose the ability to remember just about anything—from where you put the car keys to what you ate for breakfast. You also think you’ve sent emails when you haven’t, apparently).”

So Roxanne (and world), here you go:

Baby Brain by Jen Bilik

When a FOKKer finds herself knocked up

From an all-too-glorious evening of shtup

She’ll say “Holy Maria!

I had no idea

That my brain would turn utterly to mush!”

The following is a random story that has no relation to post-holiday events, New Year’s, or the like. But this guy is marked as “rad” in our book.

True story from last Thursday: Jen wanted her knives sharpened (a dull knife means wasted time), so she gathered her and her neighboring friends’ collections, and called upon Gary, a mobile, knife sharpener. Yes, the man sharpens knives for a living. And yes, we all were instantly intrigued.

When he came by Thursday afternoon, right as dusk readied its tiring clouds, I stepped outside of the Knock Knock office to see this “knife sharpener” at work. And as you’d expect, the scene was momentarily puzzling: a man, looking to be in his late 50s at most, honing knives from behind the trunk of his car. His table, decked on the parking lot asphalt, had a pile of knives and an in-action sharpening stone. Orange sparks carelessly spraying everywhere . . . It was pretty cool.

Gary and his "shop".

After affixing my eyes on the pile of blades, I instantly thought of The Complete Manual of Things That Might Kill You (did you know that knives can be used for stabbing?) and didn’t plan to stay longer than a minute. But Gary’s personality was—dare I say it—sharp like a knife. Off the bat, he told me how he used to play “stick ball” in the streets of New York City. But his and his childhood friends’ games had to always be put on pause because the local “knife-sharpening guy would come and park nearby.” And I’m guess it was instant awe. So, for the last seven years, his childhood dream became a reality.

If you look close enough, you can see the sparks fly.

Now, you can find Gary bouncing from Angelenos’ farmer’s market to farmer’s market, and fabric stores in between. So, if you’re ever in Los Angeles and need your knives sharpened—this man has you covered!

Congrats to our contest winner, Esther Rieck!

First and foremost, a huge thanks to all of the folks who participated! It takes guts to send knock-knock jokes to a company who’s admittingly jaded by them. So, hats off to you!

Our head honcho, Jen, handpicked the winning joke after hours and hours of contemplation. (Okay, so it didn’t take that long to pick a winner, but it wasn’t an easy choice either!)

But without further ado, the winner of $50 worth of Knock Knock stuff is . . .

. . . Esther Rieck!

Here’s her joke:

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Thermos.

Thermos who?

Thermos be a better knock-knock joke than this.

Our head honcho’s thoughts: “I love this one because it’s a knock-knock joke about how awful knock-knock jokes are, something I was so dismayed to learn when I actually dove into the genre upon starting Knock Knock, thinking that I’d find the gems for marketing purposes or some such!”

We wonder what Esther will spend the $50 on . . .

Also, a handful of entries succeeded in tickling us (which is still a prize in itself). Here are the honorable mentions:

1. Carolyn Averill:

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

9/11

9/11 who?

<beat>

. . . You said you’d never forget.

Our head honcho’s thoughts: The rare serious and adult knock-knock joke.

2. Jarks 37:

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Too.

Too who?

I think you mean: to “whom”, sir.

Our head honcho’s thoughts: For a grammarphile? Come on! The best. Patti Keller also sent in a version of this.

3. Marla Pollard:

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Ivana.

Ivana who?

Ivana win this contest to have the coolest KK stuff =)

Our head honcho’s thoughts: Yes, I love anything that mentions Knock Knock. Have I ever told you that

I’m not above enjoying ass-kissing? Rebecca Keller also did a version of this.

4. Erin Murphy:

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Honey bee.

Honey bee who?

Honey bee a dear and get me some Knock Knock products for Christmas.

Our head honcho’s thoughts: Another one that plays to our ego! We love it!

In case you missed out on the live tweeting we had going on last Friday (or lack thereof), check out some pics from our recent all-company holiday party at the Lula Cocina Mexicana—just a few miles away from the office. We’re choosing to share just a handful of images so as not to reveal too much of our frivolity (or drunken galore). We also realize the darkness of the photos. You see, we meant to capture the party’s ambiance (although, we may have forgotten to use flash).

Knock Knockers mingling before dinner:

The customer service team smiling sweetly for the camera. (Left to right: Jazzlyn, one of our customer service specialists; Jazzlyn's main squeeze, Darren; Carolyn, our VP of sales; and Liz, our newest customer service gal.)

Business-side buds. (Jazzlyn and Randy, our national sales manager.)

Ready to start the night off right. (Jim, our COO and Craig, our creative director.)

How about another round of smiles? Thank you. (Left to right: Michal, our other amazing customer service specialist, Liz, and Michal's main squeeze KJ.)

Lovely. Our operations associate Paul with his girlfriend, Jen.

A great pic of Carolyn and Randy!

Rex, our e-commerce manager and his wife, Chay. We also spot Gil, our director of operations and Zach, our dutiful IT dude, in the background.

. . . And then food was served:

Admiring my own plating technique.

Taking a moment to say "Hi!" to the camera. (Left to right: Odi, our controller; Odi's girlfriend, Johnel; Chelsea, our manufacturing coordinator; Alexis, one of our amazing graphic designers; Meredith, writer and editor, Jamie, another superwoman writer and editor; Ram's wife Tara; and Ram, our accounting manager.)

After dinner, Jen gave a heartwarming speech about Knock Knock’s year in retrospect. My tearducts were in overdrive and I failed to capture the moment, but this was shortly thereafter:

Craig, saying a few words after Jen's speech.

Kelly, our customer service manager, will be leaving Knock Knock after a whopping eight years of hard work. Jen gave her this official plaque so she can remember us. We'll miss you heaps, Kelly!

. . . To top the night—hell, we’ll be frank—we threw back a few more drinks and it felt really good.

Nothing says, "We're having a blast" like taking a picture in the women's powder room. (Carolyn and Elyse, our back-from-maternity-leave director of manufacturing.)

Our guess on what happened: everyone was telling a round of jokes, so Gil chimed in. From Paul's expression, it was probably a miss, but at least Gil was satisfied.

. . . Print out, sign, and forget the last month ever happened. You’re welcome.

Can you believe Hanukkah starts tomorrow and Christmas is only five days away? In fact, we’re getting ready to wrap up wrapping presents and wanted to finish off this series by sharing what a few of our own Knock Knockers will be giving to the special people in their lives:

1. “I’m buying my girlfriend the Passive-Aggressive Nifty Note because her in-person passive-aggression leaves me wanting more.” –Paul, operations associate

A word of advice to the guys: never iron your girlfriend's behind.

2. “I’m going to get myself the Intervention Pad because (a) why buy other people gifts when you can get something for yourself; and (b) I could use a few good slaps in the face, and I’m just the one to do it.” –Jen, head honcho

Even this lady agrees.

3. “I am giving my eighteen-year-old nephew, who is a freshman in college, the Takeout Menu Organizer in order to help organize his messy dorm room. I’m also going to throw in some WTF and DUH sticky notes for him to send ‘friendly’ reminders to his dorm-mates and buddies. He’ll also think his uncle is pretty cool and hip!” –Jim, COO

If we were Jim's nephew, we'd raise a glass (of sparking cider, of course) for this gift. "Thanks, Uncle Jim!"

4. “I just gave the I’m A Parent? guided journal and the Parenting Flashcards to my nephew and his wife, who are expecting my great-nephew (and I’m sure he’ll be a great great-nephew) in a few weeks. Couldn’t wait until Christmas—Baby Boy Butler could be here by then and they need to know these terms NOW!” –Jamie, writer and editor

We're sure the happy couple smiled when they received their presents!

For our weekly “In It for the Money” feature, we’ll be introducing you to the kick-ass Knock Knockers who make everything go, from creative to sales to logistics to . . . everything! Note—everybody answers the first five questions. After that, they have about fifteen wild-card questions from which to choose.

With that book and that smirk, I may or may not be plotting something. Who knows?

1. Name and title? Randy Erlandson, national sales manager (managing Knock Knock sales in two nations).

2. Originally from? The Midwest—the Dakotas and Minnesota.

3. What the hell do you do all day? As a member of Knock Knock’s kick-ass sales and customer service departments, I do anything and everything to ensure my “customers” (Knock Knock’s wholesale accounts, buyers, and sales representatives in the US and Canada) have exemplary experiences. My responsibilities are diverse—and I like that (as I have a relatively short attention span). I work with retailers large and small, from recognized national and regional powerhouses to cool, funky independent gift stores and online boutiques. I serve as “information central” to Knock Knock’s incredible team of professional sales representatives (more than 100 of them!). I coordinate the minutia of the twenty-plus tradeshows we do each year. And I get to travel. A lot. In 2011, I racked up more than 80,000 air miles supporting Knock Knock’s sales efforts. No, I will not share those frequent-flier miles with you. Don’t ask.

4. Favorite thing about working at Knock Knock? The “aha” moments. I have the best job at Knock Knock. I regularly get to witness that instant, that spark, when a buyer/rep/consumer “gets” a new product. It always thrills me to help someone discover a new favorite.

5. Favorite hobbies outside work? “Outside work?” I am not familiar with this concept. Is Los Angeles traffic considered a hobby?

6. Did your professional life exist before Knock Knock? Yep. I’ve sold consumer goods for, well, um, a few years now, from small private ventures to giant international corporations. I’m fortunate; my career has taken me to China, Taiwan, Indonesia, Arkansas, and other exotic destinations. But selling Knock Knock is like nothing else I’ve experienced. Once the buyer starts laughing (at the products, hopefully), the sale almost closes itself. Well, almost.

Our booth from the New York International Gift Fair this past August. It was like my home away from home (and when I say "home," I mean the Knock Knock office).

7. Favorite Knock Knock product? Sales manager answer: the ones our accounts reorder most frequently. Personal answer: I have two favorites. Years ago, we had a wall mirror with “OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE BETTER THAN THEY APPEAR” printed under your reflection; I’ve always liked that affirmation. My current favorite is (surprise, surprise) our number-one bestseller, the All Out Of Pad. I use mine (classic red, of course) for almost every trip to the grocery store. Without fail, someone always asks, “Where’d you get that?”

8. Favorite TV show? I don’t watch a lot of television, but I allow myself some History Channel, MythBusters, Modern Marvels, or Man v. Food while traveling. And I really like The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson.

9. Interesting factoid no one would know about you from first glance? Like some of the coworkers who’ve blogged this space previously, I always have a tune (or two) rambling around in my head. Can’t help it; I was born this way. Dammit! There’s another one . . .

10. What’s in your music rotation right now? Bowling For Soup, Cheap Trick, Dollyrots, Brave Combo, Boozoo Chavis, Chris Rice, James Brown, JP Soars, Monte Montgomery, Little Feat, Asleep At the Wheel, George Harrison, Larry Carlton. And thanks to a recent automobile commercial, I am joyously rediscovering The Pogues.

11. If you were granted one wish, what would it be? For three more wishes, duh.

12. Favorite places to sit back and relax? Poipu (Kauai) Hawaii, Key West, and Austin, Texas.

13. What advice would you give your past self? Lose the mullet. Seriously.

In Spring of 2012, Knock Knock will unleash a product of such visceral power and mind-blowing intensity, it is destined to set the world afire. Or, at least, delight a few people who enjoy tiny slips of paper with tiny words printed on them.

Introducing . . . "A Year of Fortunes (Without the Cookies)"!

A Year of Fortunes (Without the Cookies) is the world’s first book of fortune-cookie fortunes presented in a handy perforated format for easy tearing-and-sharing—365 of ’em. To wit:

• You will be successful in monkey business.

• Dance like no one is watching, because probably no one is.

• Less is more but more is more fun.

This book was one of my first projects at Knock Knock (I started working here in March 2011), and writing and editing it was a delicious task. I have always loved fortune cookies—the paper, the messages, and the cookies. I can hardly imagine anything more wonderful than a cookie you can read (or a fortune you can eat). I still remember a fortune I got in high school: Beauty is in your heart. Let it out. Let it beat. Give yourself a treat. Somebody wrote that! And then they put it in a cookie!

As you can imagine, research was grueling. I had to purchase (and consume) bags of cookies from several Asian eateries as well as the 99¢ store to gather a wide sampling of fortune-cookie styles. Torture.

1. Our designer Alexis' quick, hand-drawn sketch for the cover. She wanted us to emphasize "quick."; 2. Another sketched out design cover by the lovely Alexis.; 3. The final cover!

To write the book’s introduction, I also read as much as I could find about the origins of fortune cookies, which is a subject worthy of its own book and movie. At risk of blowing your mind, I will just say right now that fortune cookies come from Japan—and when you stop to think about that, it makes perfect sense. (A white slip of paper with a small, mysterious message—it just feels Japanese.)

Several other writers contributed to the book (including my brother, Ben!), and we also bought a magic number-picking contraption from 1913 to choose the lucky numbers for each fortune. (Not really.)

I really wanted to call it The Fortune Bookie (as did our head honcho, Jen) but we were overruled. That’s okay. The goal was to make something that would provide whimsy and delight every day, and I think we succeeded. I am so happy with the book, and its puffy red satin cover, I am going to go pass out.

So happy to see the final product! I literally had tears of joy.